I am disgusted by prayer, going to church makes me want to throw up. I sometimes go to confession and receive the Eucharist but I can't stay in a state of grace for more than a week. I feel sick all the time: headaches, dizziness, shaky hands. I have been addicted to masturbation for many many years and have never been able to stop, despite the fact that I've tried every means possible : rosary, mortification, confession, lots and lots of prayers. I constantly have impure thoughts, some of which are very, very inappropriate (sacrilegious). I am often tempted to ask the devil to help me get more pleasure, and I try to resist asking him but I sort of can't, there's a voice in my head that asks him for me.

The scary thing is that what the voice asks is given to me. I'm also terribly angry sometimes, especially when I am resisting to fall into sexual sins. I sometimes feel like throwing my crucifix on the floor/ breaking it in pieces. I'm often tempted to sell my body (prostitution/pornography). I suffer from an illness that normally should significantly lower my libido (not a mental illness). It doesn't lower it, AT ALL. I have dreamt that I was possessed, that I was not ''myself'' anymore. That a demon was talking through me. I have also heard noises in my bedroom, like mice walking around my bed eating plastic bags. And sometimes at night I feel like a black blanket is thrown over me, and it gets darker and darker. I'm so scared. I feel nothing for God. I WANT to love him so much, but I can't! Please help me...