Dear John:

This is an interesting experience you are having. I have come across this sort of thing before of people defining life by the struggle and pain and suffering. In fact, Catholicism recognizes this in a fashion. We embrace suffering and pain as redemptive in the sharing of the suffering and pain of Christ. In this life, such pain and suffering is part of life and a part of life that we must accept. Thus, I understand your point.

There is a difference, however, between embracing our suffering as part of this life on earth, and, for a Catholic, as a sharing in the redemptive suffering of Christ, as opposed to becoming addicted to the suffering, or perhaps "needing" the suffering to feel alive. This, it seems to me, borders on a form of masochism, though I do find it refreshing to see someone who embraces suffering rather than the typical person in our day-and-age who fears suffering and does everything possible to avoid it. People cannot medicate themselves fast enough these days over the mild pain of a simple stubbed toe.

Heaven is a place in which we will be transformed into a "glorified" body. We do not know exactly what that will be like other that it will be like Christ's body after His resurrection. This body will not have the "need" for pain and suffering. It is of a different order than our bodies now.

Thus, what you are saying about suffering as a definition of being alive does not apply. Suffering as being alive is ordered only to our bodies now on this earth.

With a "remodeled" body in heaven the definition of "living" changes to a new definition. You need not fear this or be overwhelmed by it. Rather, know that while pain and suffering is part of what makes us alive in this life, it will be something else that gives us that "aliveness" in the next life. It will seem as natural to us then as the pain and suffering is natural to us now.

I guess what I am saying is to not worry over the future. The future will take care of itself and when we get there we will adapt to the conditions of that time.

God is not a God of fear. Heaven is not a place to fear. Rather, it is a place where the fullness of who you are as you will be completely realized. That is what is meant by happiness or bliss. We can be fully ourselves without any stumblingblocks to get in our way or to keep us from being all that we can be --oops, is that an Army commercial :)

I think that your analysis is probably correct. The dreams are a reflection of your "need" for fear. What concerns me is why you "need" fear to keep you the best you can be?

In any event, in heaven you will not need fear to be the best you can be. That fear will be replaced by something better -- love.

Now, that may be scary to you. But believe me, once you experience that all-embracing consuming love, you will wonder why fear was ever needed for you to be the best you can be.

This reminds me of the situation of going to the lake for a swim. I dip my toe in the water and the water feels cold. I hesitate to jump in. But when I do jump in I may feel a momentary shock of cold water, but my body quickly adapts to the temperature and I have a good time swimming.

Heaven will be a place in which we will adapt to a different temperature that what we have here on earth. It may seem scary at first, but once we are there, we can enjoy the swim.

God Bless,
Bro. Ignatius Mary