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Question Title Posted By Question Date
sex outside of marriage Juliet Monday, December 24, 2007


I am very concerned with going to heaven. I believe in Jesus and eternal life. Yet I am aware that even as I believe I still sin. I am afraid of being damned.

I had a very rough childhood and may have post traumatic stress disorder, my counselor is a deliverance expert and Jesuit priest- and he says Jesus loves me etc. but I am baffled at how I can believe and still sin usually my sins are anger- sexual immorality and envy.

I want to go to heaven. I wonder if there is something wrong with me because I still gravitate towards sinning.

I am not married and do not have children. I want to be married. I would like to have God bless a relationship. I think my childhood trauma, including sex abuse, has left me damaged in some way.

I want to be married to have love etc, the one that I love is from UK and is protestant. He had trauma in his life with mysterious death of his father. He is very into the bible and does not consent to sex outside of marriage and has been like this for 2 years.

I love him very very much. I want to marry him. Its a catch 22, he wont have sex outside of marriage, I want to marry him, I act mean because of no sex and he wont marry me because I act mean.... HELP! I want to have a good life. God will forgive me if I am sorry, correct? thank you for your Love, Merry Christmas.

Question Answered by Bro. Ignatius Mary, OLSM

Dear Juliet:

Your Jesuit counselor is correct -- God does love you. He loves you even though you sin again and again. You "bafflement" is normal. Even St. Paul was baffled by this. Read Romans 7:15-25:

In fact, I don't understand why I act the way I do. I don't what I know is right. I do the things I hate. Although I don't do what I know is right, I agree that the Law is good. So I am not the one doing these evil things. The sin that lives in me is what does them. I know that my selfish desires won't let me do anything that is good. Even when I want to do right, I cannot. Instead of doing what I know is right, I do wrong.

And so, if I don't do what I know is right, I am no longer the one doing these evil things. The sin that lives in me is what does them. The Law has shown me that something in me keeps me from doing what I know is right. With my whole heart I agree with the Law of God. But in every part of me I discover something fighting against my mind, and it makes me a prisoner of sin that controls everything I do.

What a miserable person I am. Who will rescue me from this body that is doomed to die?

But St. Paul does not stop with this lament about his sinfulness and that he keeps sinning even when he does not want to. He answers his own question...

Thank God! Jesus Christ will rescue me. So with my mind I serve the Law of God although my selfish desires make me serve the law of sin.

God understands our plight and loves us anyway and will forgive us repeatedly. He never stops forgiving.

There is nothing wrong with you that is not common to the human race. We all gravitate toward sinning. Theologically this is called concupiscence. The Catechism defines concupiscence as:

2515 Etymologically, "concupiscence" can refer to any intense form of human desire. Christian theology has given it a particular meaning: the movement of the sensitive appetite contrary to the operation of the human reason. The apostle St. Paul identifies it with the rebellion of the "flesh" against the "spirit." Concupiscence stems from the disobedience of the first sin. It unsettles man's moral faculties and, without being in itself an offense, inclines man to commit sins.

We all have this problem. But God loves us anyway and offers us forgiveness for the asking.

God want all of us to be in heaven with Him and since He knows of our concupiscence He provides us a way to overcome that so that we can remain in His friendship -- it is called the Sacrament of Confession.

No matter how many times we sin, even the same sin over and over, God offers forgiveness through the Sacrament of Confession.

There is no need to worry about losing heaven if you do what you must do to remain in a state of Grace. God has given us His Church to help us in this task. And when we fall, He gives us forgiveness and reconciliation through the Sacrament of Confession.

Thus, the way to heaven is to live as best you can as a good Catholic, avoiding sin and living in a state of Grace. When you fall, get to Confession so that you may be restored to a State of Grace. God will always forgive you when you make a good confession.

It is true that there may be wounds stemming from your childhood traumas that still need healing. Those wounds may cause you problems in your daily life and in your relationships. Certainly you need to work toward healing in those areas. Your Jesuit counselor should be able to help you with that.

Even the behavior of being "mean" because you are not having sex is likely to be a behavioral conditioning. Hopefully counseling can help to heal that too.

Beyond the psychological issues, there are also the spiritual issues. If your Counselor know about deliverance then hopefully he can deal with the issues in your life that need to be delivered from bondage.

Then there is also the pride issues. Reacting to not having sex with meanness is a aspect of pride. Your desires are being thwarted and meanness is the ego's way of having a tantrum for not getting its way.

You work on humility on this score. Perhaps pray the Litany of Humility on a daily basis. Understand that sex outside marriage is morally evil and that you have been blessed with a boyfriend who understands that and is willing to live out that truth by staying chaste until marriage. That is a blessing indeed as most people today have little understanding of this. You need to thank God for finding such a moral man, a man that respect you so much as to not have sex with you until marriage.

Do not push away such a morally upstanding man because you are frustrated by not having sex. Thank God for him. And what's more, if you two do marry, the wedding night will be so special because you waited. The old cliché, TRUE LOVE WAITS, is true.

Selfishness ways, "I want it now." Love says, "Let us wait until we are married and not sin."

So the bottomline is yes, God will forgive you of any sin when you are truly sorry, try to stop from doing it again, and ask His forgiveness in the Sacrament of Confession (for moral sins).

You need to try to avoid sin, however. That means mortifying your ego and desires. The Litany of Humility should help you to begin that task. Do not take out your frustrations on your boyfriend and perhaps drive him away. Be thankful for him.

Sex is not for pleasure or gratification. Sex is a mutual self-giving between husband and wife. You have to be husband and wife to have a relationship that is truly "self-giving" since that self-giving must be in the context of marital commitment.

Give your sexuality to God. Offer your suffering to God. Mortify your ego and desires and give them to God. And give your boyfriend love and respect.

Continue with counseling to help heal the wounds and to be delivered from any bondages that are present.

We will be praying for you.

God Bless,
Bro. Ignatius Mary


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