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Question Title	Posted By	Question Date
husband and porn	Julie	Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Question: Dear Brother Ignatius, What to do, my husband is in denial about porn and the effects its having on our family. We are constantly fighting now, and we have young children. Should i talk with a priest? I believe its been going on our entire 20plus married life but now hes at it atleast twice a week. Also, this is off subject but worth mentioning. My husband since he was a young has had three visions of what i believe were the blessed mother from his description. She wore blue and white with roses above and below her and her arms were extended, and simply smiled at him each time, it happened during the night. She would stayed several hours and he felt very peaceful. The last vision was over 10 yrs. ago, in his early 30s. Also... He lived in a very dysfunctuanal household, his father abused him mostly over the other children and i believe he was exposed to porn material when he was very young. Please help me. I am so sad, he has such a good heart and is so generous in nature. And do you think the vision was a heavenly one or something else. I look forward to your response. Thank you for your help.
Question Answered by Bro. Ignatius Mary, OLSM Dear Julie: I am sorry to hear that your husband is caught in the web of pornography and worse, in delusion about it. It sounds like this has become an addiction, a compulsion for him. As it is with all addictions help is not really possible until the person wants it. Unfortunately it is often the case that the addicted person will not admit his problem until forced to be circumstances. You need to pray for him, you can guide him to material that talks about the dangers of pornography, your priest can talk to him but he is going to have to want freedom from pornography and want it bad. I hate to say it, but if push comes to shove and he will not admit his problem regardless of all the efforts to educated him on this, then you may have to give him an ultimatum -- get help or leave the house. I know that is harsh, but it is tough love. You do him no favors if you tolerate his behavior. In addition you have your family to protect. Oftentimes the slap in the face that is needed to slap a person into reality to admit their problem is to be kicked out of the house. He has to realize that he risks something dear to him if he does not change. There are plenty of resources for help. We have a support group for people with sexual addictions and compulsions. It is called the Catholic Support Group for Sexual Addiction Recovery. There are other groups that can help as well. Morality in Media has many resources and articles about the effects of pornography. One of their articles may be of particular interest. It is called, "Confronting Your Spouse's Pornography Problem". Concern over pornography was expressed in a publication approved by the November 2007 meeting of the U.S. episcopal conference: “Catechetical Formation in Chaste Living: Guidelines for Curriculum Design and Publication." The Guide says: “Pornography defames the intimacy of the marital act and injures the dignity of viewers and participants,” the guidelines observed. “Christians are to shun all participation in pornography as producers, actors, consumers or vendors." Bishop Flinn has two articles of note: Pornography Death Grip and Pornography Plague. As far as the visions are concerned I do not have enough information to comment. Those visions do not matter now anyway since they are in the past. The pornography problem is the problem at hand. If he respects you he will want to stop. It will be hard to stop, but he must be willing to stop to ever hope to be free of this. Pornography is an offense against chastity and an offense against marriage and an offense against God. There is NOTHING redeemable about pornography. Pornography destroys the soul. Viewing pornography is a GRAVE sin. One who does it may not receive the Eucharists until he goes to confession. But confession will not be valid unless the person admits his problem, as contrition for it, desires to stop, and promises to take steps to stop. The Catechism of the Catholic Church says: 2354 Pornography consists in removing real or simulated sexual acts from the intimacy of the partners, in order to display them deliberately to third parties. It offends against chastity because it perverts the conjugal act, the intimate giving of spouses to each other. It does grave injury to the dignity of its participants (actors, vendors, the public), since each one becomes an object of base pleasure and illicit profit for others. It immerses all who are involved in the illusion of a fantasy world. It is a grave offense. Civil authorities should prevent the production and distribution of pornographic materials. This is a tough problem. I was addicted to pornography for about 36 years before the addiction was broken. Freedom is possible. We will be in prayer for him and for you and the family. I pray that he will take the first step and admit the problem and its effect on the family. God Bless, Bro. Ignatius Mary For information on how to receive help see our Help page. We suggest that before contacting us directly for help you try the Seven Steps to Self-Deliverance. These self-help steps will often resolve the problem. Also our Spiritual Warfare Prayer Catalog contains many prayers that may be helpful. If needed you can ask for a Personal Consultation.

Question Title

Posted By

Question Date

husband and porn

Julie

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Question:

Dear Brother Ignatius,

What to do, my husband is in denial about porn and the effects its having on our family. We are constantly fighting now, and we have young children. Should i talk with a priest?

I believe its been going on our entire 20plus married life but now hes at it atleast twice a week. Also, this is off subject but worth mentioning. My husband since he was a young has had three visions of what i believe were the blessed mother from his description. She wore blue and white with roses above and below her and her arms were extended, and simply smiled at him each time, it happened during the night. She would stayed several hours and he felt very peaceful. The last vision was over 10 yrs. ago, in his early 30s. Also...

He lived in a very dysfunctuanal household, his father abused him mostly over the other children and i believe he was exposed to porn material when he was very young.

Please help me. I am so sad, he has such a good heart and is so generous in nature. And do you think the vision was a heavenly one or something else. I look forward to your response. Thank you for your help.

Question Answered by Bro. Ignatius Mary, OLSM

Dear Julie:

I am sorry to hear that your husband is caught in the web of pornography and worse, in delusion about it. It sounds like this has become an addiction, a compulsion for him.

As it is with all addictions help is not really possible until the person wants it. Unfortunately it is often the case that the addicted person will not admit his problem until forced to be circumstances.

You need to pray for him, you can guide him to material that talks about the dangers of pornography, your priest can talk to him but he is going to have to want freedom from pornography and want it bad.

I hate to say it, but if push comes to shove and he will not admit his problem regardless of all the efforts to educated him on this, then you may have to give him an ultimatum -- get help or leave the house.

I know that is harsh, but it is tough love. You do him no favors if you tolerate his behavior. In addition you have your family to protect. Oftentimes the slap in the face that is needed to slap a person into reality to admit their problem is to be kicked out of the house. He has to realize that he risks something dear to him if he does not change.

There are plenty of resources for help. We have a support group for people with sexual addictions and compulsions. It is called the Catholic Support Group for Sexual Addiction Recovery. There are other groups that can help as well.

Morality in Media has many resources and articles about the effects of pornography. One of their articles may be of particular interest. It is called, "Confronting Your Spouse's Pornography Problem".

Concern over pornography was expressed in a publication approved by the November 2007 meeting of the U.S. episcopal conference: “Catechetical Formation in Chaste Living: Guidelines for Curriculum Design and Publication."

The Guide says: “Pornography defames the intimacy of the marital act and injures the dignity of viewers and participants,” the guidelines observed. “Christians are to shun all participation in pornography as producers, actors, consumers or vendors."

Bishop Flinn has two articles of note: Pornography Death Grip and Pornography Plague.

As far as the visions are concerned I do not have enough information to comment. Those visions do not matter now anyway since they are in the past. The pornography problem is the problem at hand.

If he respects you he will want to stop. It will be hard to stop, but he must be willing to stop to ever hope to be free of this.

Pornography is an offense against chastity and an offense against marriage and an offense against God. There is NOTHING redeemable about pornography. Pornography destroys the soul. Viewing pornography is a GRAVE sin. One who does it may not receive the Eucharists until he goes to confession. But confession will not be valid unless the person admits his problem, as contrition for it, desires to stop, and promises to take steps to stop.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church says:

2354 Pornography consists in removing real or simulated sexual acts from the intimacy of the partners, in order to display them deliberately to third parties. It offends against chastity because it perverts the conjugal act, the intimate giving of spouses to each other. It does grave injury to the dignity of its participants (actors, vendors, the public), since each one becomes an object of base pleasure and illicit profit for others. It immerses all who are involved in the illusion of a fantasy world. It is a grave offense. Civil authorities should prevent the production and distribution of pornographic materials.

This is a tough problem. I was addicted to pornography for about 36 years before the addiction was broken. Freedom is possible.

We will be in prayer for him and for you and the family. I pray that he will take the first step and admit the problem and its effect on the family.

God Bless,
Bro. Ignatius Mary

For information on how to receive help see our Help page. We suggest that before contacting us directly for help you try the Seven Steps to Self-Deliverance. These self-help steps will often resolve the problem. Also our Spiritual Warfare Prayer Catalog contains many prayers that may be helpful. If needed you can ask for a Personal Consultation.