Dear Julie:

Resentment is festering or smoldering anger generated by a sense of grievance. There are three points to consider about resentment then I will comment on your specific situation:

1) St. Paul tells us to be angry but do not let the sun go down on our anger (Eph 4:26). In otherwords, there are things that may make us angry, even justifiably angry, but we must let go of the angry. As the old saying goes, "Do not go to bed angry."

We need to let go of the resentment. Resentment only eats away at us and harms both ourselves and the relationship with others. But mostly, it harms our own soul.

2) One must forgive (Mt 6:12-15; Eph 4:32). Forgiveness also is about letting go. Forgiveness does not mean that we tolerate bad behavior, or allow others to abuse us, or even like the person, but it does mean that me let go of the hurts and let God take care of them.

3) Love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8).  Love means giving others permission to be what they are -- even if what they are is obnoxious to us (but we do not have to allow them to abuse us). I have relatives that I frankly do not like much. But love covers a multitude of sins. Out of love I ignore or let pass things that may even be somewhat insulting to me. I understand that my relatives are the way they are, and that is not likely to change, thus I must let some of that be like water under the bridge and let it go for the sake of the relationship, for the sake of love.  This is directly related to forgiveness as well. This does not mean that I tolerate just anything, but it does mean that there is much I just let pass.

Concerning your specific situation.  For your son I think that there may be things that you can let pass (#3 above). If your son is on SSI with behavioral problems then that means that he has personality problems that will be obnoxious and behavior problems that may be intrusive. To the degree that you do not enable his dysfunctional behavior perhaps there are some things you can let pass?

On the other hand, it does him no favors to indulge or enable his dysfunctional behavior. If he acts disrespectfully you have a right to insist that he be respective or leave.

While you need to be charitable about his girlfriend, you certainly do not have to accept her as his wife. She is his concubine, not wife. He is living in sin.

You need to remember, however, that the children from this relationship are your grandchildren. They are not to blame for the stupidity of their parents. For the sake of the grandchildren you may need to consider letting some things pass (#3 above).

You never have to tolerate abuse, however, even if he is your son. It is a delicate balance between letting things pass and enabling dysfunctional behavior.

You can certainly let him know your feelings about swearing, about not going to Church, etc. But, once you let him know where you stand on that, you do not need to repeat it over and over. You may certainly forbid him to act in these ways in your house. It is your house. And if he is verbally abusive to you and will not stop when you ask, then you have the option of leaving his presence (or if he is at your house, asking him to leave).

You need to love him, but you may not like him. His girlfriend has to be tolerated to some degree as she is the mother of your grandchildren. But, again, you need not tolerate abuse or disrespect for her either.

For your daughter you have an obligation to not accept her "friend" as a legitimate "mate" or relationship. You do the right thing to insist that their homosexual behavior not be displayed at your house. As for not dealing with her "friend" at all, or allowing the "friend" to come over to the house, that may or may not be appropriate -- it depends on the situation. If being friendly with the daughter's "friend" and allow the "friend" into the house is in anyway perceived as an acceptance of the daughter's sinful lifestyle then do not allow the "friend" in the house.

Overall I think the solution is probably somewhere in-between the laid-back attitude of your husband and the harsh attitude of yourself. He needs to know that it is improper to go along as if nothing is wrong. That encourages the sin of the children and may perhaps even constitute being an accomplice to their sin (which is a sin itself) by not standing up for what is right.

On your part, you need to remember to be charitable albeit within the realm of "tough-love".

Without question, the resentment needs to be resolved.

I have no idea if any of this helps, but these are my thoughts.

God bless,
Bro. Ignatius Mary